“who is hearing?” a koan for inverting your mind into a whole body mindgasm

it might be sacrilege to just casually give out this koan without getting you in the know with how powerful it is, when you implement it into your meditation practice with earnest steadfastness.

backstory: i was given this koan by my architecture school professor, who was also a secret mystic. he first introduced me to zen meditation and spiritual teacher Krishnamurti.

many years later, i was helping organize an ‘enlightenment intensive’ facilitated by zen priest pitaka. this was a multi-day deep inquiry retreat in the countryside of germany which i was also participating in.

we were all given koans to work with for the duration of the retereat.

i was working with the koan, which is a zen buddhist term for an unanswerable question or riddle to intentionally puzzle the mind and enlighten you, “who am I?” and “who is hearing”?

i wasn’t getting anywhere the first days with the koan, just a lot of content from my thinking mind, but on the last day i could feel a new sensitivity and alertness combined with relaxation that made me feel like i was on the brink of a breakthrough.

pitaka instructed us to receive the koan, and open to the answer not with the mind but to hear the response coming through with all of your senses. and to not try to make sense of it!

i could feel this deliciously delicate middle ground between seeking and receiving the response of this koan, who is hearing? opening up a new channel of perception.

i left the group to meditate with the koan on my own in my room. with steadfast determination, i allowed my mind to relax while persistently presenting this koan to my deeper self.

what arose in me was an indescribable feeling of bliss, the visceral understanding of total unity. i understood the separateness my mind created was an illusion. there was a greater presence of life pulsating through me. the sensation of my mind inverting itself to see that i am not just my thinking mind. i am the presence that’s holding everything, creating everything, that Is everything, including the mind.

this realization was pure ecstasy. i came out of my room stunned with this new level of awareness. it felt like an awareness of something so obvious so fundamental, it was almost comical how i could have missed recognizing this truth my whole life.

my teacher saw me and told me a great beaming golden light was shooting out of my crown. i totally felt it!

i was in a blissful stupor for the days following the retreat. integrating back to my life was challenging however. this big opening also illuminated big shadows in my relationships. and my enthusiasm for my experience was met with skepticism.

these shadows were also an equally important part of my experience to work through.

years after though, i still love coming back to this koan, whenever i’m needing to reconnect to the presence beyond my thinking mind.