growing up in an environment where shaming was as normal as breathing oxygen and eating rice with kimchi, can turn your inner voice into an inner hater.
when you want attention it will tell you you’re being a narcissist
when you’re feeling hurt it will tell you to get over it
when you’re slow, it will tell you you’re lazy
when you’re scared it will tell you it’s not that big of a deal
a common one for me growing up was my mom saying to me “why are you crying? you’re overreacting!”
how do you deal with feeling something that you can’t help feeling just being wrong?
i kept it in. and hid myself. i’d go to my room lock the door, sit inside the closet comforted inside the small dark space filled with the smell of moth balls, wool sweaters, and jackets, and detach myself from the dangers of being out there with my warbled twisted sticky feelings that was too unsafe to show out there.
this was the way that i coped with all of my dark unsavory emotions - by withdrawing from everyone. nobody felt safe to be sad, mad, or hurt around.
i also dismissed these emotions as problematic, inconvenient, and bad, and did my best to hide them around anyone else. including myself. this response to myself was the birth of my inner hater.
the inner hater of my sad mad chaos found safety through controlling and stuffing these feelings down to a secret chamber within. the secret chamber was the only safe place that needed to be maintained by the inner hater through suppression and submission to the rules that nothing should ever leak out of this place.
this "safe place" of maximum occupancy 1 (myself) eventually becomes a prison though. because what we all need, the core need for all humans in order to feel sane, healthy, and happy, is connection.
it's safe, authentic connection to another human(s) that heals loneliness, and earlier to current life experiences of abandonment.
teal swan talks about healing as having the opposite experience of what was experienced. in order to heal loneliness caused by rejection, we can choose now to open ourselves up to the willingness to be ok to not feel ok with another human. which also means braving the feeling of rejection again in order for the healing to happen. this can be a gentle process, which involves building trust and safety to reveal the feelings inside the prison.
the trippy thing to get is that your inner hater is actually your creation that wanted to protect you from being "too much" or rejected. healing your inner hater means getting more ok being and feeling as you are in a space of acceptance and compassion.
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