be the goo

the goo is the state during metamorphosis inside the cocoon when the caterpillar has to completely dissolve itself so that it becomes something entirely new. the goo is the feeling of what you’ve known to be true, real, solid about your life being dismantled,  past and future collapsing into itself, the feeling of dying and simultaneously reaching towards something that is  yet intangible. you know when you’re in the goo state when you feel like you dont know who you are, what course you want your life to take, when you feel the apprehension of suddenly the universe being so vast mysterious - but where am i in it? am i outside of it? not quite finding the right preposition for my relationship to existence. we all experience this state in varying degrees and many times. 

complete surrender to the discomfort of not knowing. knowing that the process can not be hurried, just like you can’t hurry pregnancy or the line at DMV.  it’s just going to take what it’s going to take. the past couple months i’ve been going through my own goo state. something’s been lurking around in the periphery of my awareness. it’s been 1 year since i’ve moved to LA from Berlin, and that i’ve been guiding Manifestation Yin rituals here. i’ve been operating much outside my comfort zone to do this -  (I’m someone who gets nervous and performance-anxiety clammy having to say my name in public, and then shameful about getting so awkward about such a thing that I’ll try to cover it up trying not to appear nervous that just backfires into a negative feedback loop)  but you know when there’s something bigger than yourself that’s guiding you into the next step and next step. which is how Manifestation Yin came to be. and what a wonderful rich mixed bag year it has been, manifesting so many new kindred spirit connections, friendships, collaborations. also manifesting financial insecurity, some bouts of depression which isn’t new, anxiety,  but also manifesting many more tools insights revelations pathways. like i said, a rich mixed bag. all the unexpected glorious side effects of reaching to be more authentic, more congruent more feeling with my inner critter. 

there is a part of me that started to feel flickerings as a fraud though, as Manifestation Yin. here i am saying Manifest your dreams with yin yoga! Feel yourself deeply, to know yourself deeply to remember that you are infinite, and from that state of pure beingness and allowing is where the magic of dreams become a reality . But then here I am feeling somehow blocked with my own resistance, in my life struggling to make ends meet. Something is not computing here. This was not the personal dream I had envisioned. What the heck is missing here. So I’ve been going through my own next level of Yin-initiation, realizing there is something I’ve been subconsciously dis-allowing in myself. Evidenced by a feeling of creative constipation and stormy emotions, like there’s something haunting me, something that needs to be expressed. an unidentifiably uncomfortable - a shadowy shaped thing lodged somewhere in my psyche, which also caused me to feel very tired and confused. i felt like i wasn’t able to move forward, i needed to cocoon up with it, and find out what it is. after a very Yang year, Manifesting Yin time for myself has been revolutionary. Asking for guidance, letting myself be an open vessel to receive guidance, connecting with the all compassionate goddess Kuan Yin energy. the work of allowing has brought me to discover deeper spaces of myself that feel edgy, controversial. stuff i didn’t know that i was hiding from myself trying to find creative release has been the game. something i do just for me out of total necessity. is there something you do that you do just for you, a secret creative pleasure project? what flickers in the margins of your mind? what are some secret delights you haven’t quite allowed yourself to acknowledge or ask for? i really got turned on hearing Elizabeth Gilbert’s magic lessons podcast, there was an episode where she advises a blocked artist who never seemed to have time for her own artistic pursuits with thinking about making her art the way you would about having a secret lover. Let yourself sneak away to go have that tryst with yourself. 

i am discovering that as i let myself do this, deep in the well of my being there are voices of sorrow, rage, disappointment. the depth of their woe and my fear of it is thick and heavy like a blanket, which engulfs me and you could say it’s Depression. like the universe isnt large enough to contain the feeling of pissed offness and disrespect these beings have been made to endure for far too long. these beings my ancestors that are a deep part of me as i am of them, who i’ve unknowingly been suppressing. giving them a voice through my voice, through vibration, emitting what’s there what’s here without shame or through the barriers is opening a whole new dimension to Yin - the vast underworld realm of the feminine unconscious. what I am discovering is the integral part of soul expression the parallel work of undoing the work of burning through the false limited no longer fitting definitions of self, to discover and become something more raw pristine, a truer reflection of your essence. the need for catharsis.

i’m discovering more how the work of allowing the power of yin is about excavating ever new frontier depths puzzle pieces to your soul wish made manifest in this incarnation. it’s about sensitizing yourself to the call from your soul.