grandmother ayahuasca

DEAR GRANDMOTHER AYAHUASCA: WHAT ARE MY BLOCKS TO SELF LOVE AND INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP? these were my questions I went into ayahuasca ceremony with recently.

shortly after swallowing the medicine, i felt myself becoming some primordial lizard being. i vaguely remember getting up to lie on my belly, and slithering around. i felt the need to be very low to the ground.

i experienced a whole aspect of my being that is in straight up resistance and terror. i felt the sickness of Disallowing in the face of the deepest force of Nature that coursed through every atom of my being. Allowing is Love. and Love is not standing against anything. Love is including EVERYTHING - the disgust, repulsion, the sick of everything that has ever happened through all timelines - facing all of it with total presence. i felt the energy of oppression, terror, enslavement, disempowerment, anguish rise up to show me: “I’m here, do you accept me as part of you?” and with each wave of what i imagine the excruciating pains of childbirth i experienced what was required of me to transmute these energies  - a summoning of divine benevolence acceptance and care. to treat every unsavory grotesque ugly fear like it’s your precious child. this experience extended out to what i perceived outside of me. the sounds of others ejecting their fear. and taking those fears as my own to extend my compassion to. experiencing the immense power and fierceness of yin.

after the ceremony was officially over i was still reeling and deep in it, i crawled outside under the sun and received a message from the Grandmother spirit of earth via ayahuasca that i am initiated as Grandmother for the lost scared inner orphans of the earth. i felt the blessing and responsibility of this task and role- I felt my dragon spirit allies swirl and fly around me - ensuring me with fierce protection in the work of restoring our inner children of their trust & power.

my heart is dissolving open. i dont know who i’m becoming through this experience